Elected officials having private email servers:

 First America: That should be punished with prison time!  Unless the official is a Republican.

Second America: It’s pretty stupid, but not really a big deal.

Third America: What’s email?

Assigning blame when diplomatic missions are attacked:

 First America: That’s disgraceful! “Those responsible” should be in prison! Unless “those responsible” are Republicans.

Second America: That’s a terrible tragedy. What can we do to avoid such things in the future? Why weren’t the requested funds for security approved by Congress?

Third America: Is that like having a private email server?

“We need to exclude every person from entering this country who belongs to X religion or is from the Y region of the world!”:

 First America: Yeah, baby! Fuckin’ terrorists!

Second America: Isn’t that a betrayal of some of our highest ideals and the principles upon which this country was founded?

Third America: I don’t know. That’s just so confusing!

“We need to build a border wall to keep out all the rapists, killers, and criminals!”:

First America: You betcha! Fuckin’ wet**** motherfuckers!

Second America: A border fence is impractical, ineffective, and incredibly  expensive to build and maintain. How about we change our own foreign policies that prompt people to leave their country and come here?  Besides, our borders are not being overrun. Net undocumented immigration is zero.

Third America: I don’t know. I like inexpensive produce, but there are so many of “those people” at Home Depot these days.

“I say we bomb the shit out of them. Why don’t we use nuclear weapons?”:

 First America: That’s right! Right on back to the Stone Age!

Second America: Uhhh…no. Just, no.

Third America:  Tell me about that private email server again.

“The elections are rigged, unless I win. We need to monitor election places were ‘those people’ vote because they commit widespread voter fraud.”

First America: The system is rigged! If we don’t win, we’ll get our guns!

Second America: The American voting system is overwhelmingly secure. Stealing a national election is nearly impossible. In-person voter fraud is virtually nonexistent.

Third America: Again…what’s a private email server?

“They’re coming for your guns and your rights!”

First America: We’re America’s last hope! We have to keep “those people” from voting! We need to shutdown media outlets and reporters! Only our religion is valid!

Second America: Didn’t Obama already take all your guns and lock you away in FEMA death camps? Oh, right…never happened and won’t happen now. And why don’t you want people to vote, or the media to exercise Freedom of the Press, or all people to practice their religion – or no religion – as they choose without government interference as long as they don’t impose their religion on others?

Third America: They’re both the same! Both sides are equally disgusting!!!!